Holding out

From Mom's Cupboard

Dear JJ,

As I sat in my parents home I saw the spices my mom used.  She cooked until two years ago when macular degeneration made it unsafe for her to cook. You can see that she put big print on the jars so that she could see what they were to add them to the meals she made for my dad.  She did what she could.

Then when she became nearly blind, and could no longer cook my dad would take her daily to breakfast and then to lunch.

Every day my 91 year old dad would take her out to eat.

Then it got to where he couldn't do that.

They are both in a safe place now - where they are fed, and looked after.

Forced retirement for both of them - but it is ok. It is ok to retire.

It has been a hard week to see my folks move into assisted living. When I was in mom's kitchen I could hear her tell me to taste the food, smell the food, add more flavor. I could see my dad sitting at his desk balancing his checkbook in case the bank made a mistake. But mostly I remember being a little boy in their house- with mom and dad bigger than life, being protected and loved.

You will know me as an older dad. I will retire from my job when you are still a young man.

But know this - I will never retire from being your dad. And I will do as much as I can, for as long as I can, to be there for you - to make you laugh, to encourage you to be a nice person, to let you know that your are loved.

Love,

Dad

One of the last times dad brought mom to breakfast and ordered for her off the menu - she is blind.

I suspected when I took this photo of them walking to the parking lot it would be one of the last times dad could drive her to breakfast. Now they are in a good place and dad no longer has to drive them. 

Being a son

Dear JJ,

Leaving you this morning to check on my parents in their new home was tough. It may seem silly, it may not be important to you - but I won't be there for Halloween tonight. I won't be there to go around the neighborhood with you.

But today I have to be a son, but tomorrow I come home to be a dad.

But here is your pass: if you ever feel like you have to  check on me - or your mom, but you have a little one who wants you - stay home. I will be ok.

Love,

Dad

When Dad Cries

Dear JJ,

I remember the first time I saw my dad cry.  We had a car accident when I was about your age. We were all fine. Got to the hotel, and settled in and then dad cried - and mom comforted him.

The second time I saw him cry was after Uncle Jimmy died - his second son, the one named after him, the one you are named after.

When mom had to go to the memory care center, he cried. I heard him on the phone as we were talking.

Today I left him in his rehab unit in Portland. He had been in the hospital a few days, having fallen and thankfully Uncle Ron was there to call 911.  Now in rehab to get some strength back, and then soon to be in an assisted living center with mom.  I caught a flight up yesterday, to see him and mom.

I dropped by this morning on my way to the airport, and after I hugged him he cried.

Sons do that to us. I know - I have you. I've seen my dad, a man who at 91 has aged well, but still his body is failing him. I see how he appreciates his sons. I know how he feels.

Sometime son I will see you and when you leave I will cry. I'm sure I will when you go off to college, and maybe a few other times. It is what dad's do. It is ok.

Looking forward to seeing you later today.

Love,

Dad

Dad - we always like our coffee

Looking forward to seeing you

Soon they will be together in assisted living- they have been for 67 years. 

Fading

Dear JJ,

At 3:30 am my brother called to tell me he sent my dad to the hospital. Not the call you want to get at 3:30 in the morning, but calls you know will come.

You were sleeping in our bed - happy to be between mom and dad in what you call "the big bed."

I know when you get older you won't be "invading" our bed. But at that moment, hearing that - I could look at you sleeping, see the smile on your face, plant a gentle kiss on your cheek and let you know that dads feel this way. We know our time is limited. We love being dads, and when bad things happen - it is a refuge for us.

While dad has been in the hospital I talk to him several times a day. Each time I talk to him he thanks me for calling. I know how he feels.

You never know when your parents leave if that is the last you will see of them

Thank you for being my son,

Love,


Dad

My favorite assistant- helping me make ribs

Gentle JJ

Dear JJ,

I feel lucky that you are such a gentle kid. It is manifested in the way you treat animals, your classmates, and everyone. One of the teachers said that you demonstrated a lot of empathy. 

Oh you are plenty boy - you like to rough house, you enjoy being chased - but mostly, you are a happy kid who takes care of those around you. 

Never lose that. 

Love, 

Dad

Friends and Dad

Dear JJ,

Today you had your friend over to play - and what I really liked is when I got home you said, "There's my dad, I always kiss my dad."

Then in the middle of playing in the swimming pool with your friend you said, "Hey, where is dad?"

You are going to have lots of friends, JJ - but dad will always be happy to kiss you, and always smile when you come running to greet me.

I just don't want this dream to end

Love,


Dad

My two favorite people

We got a box! A fort - oh and the chairs were free

My favorite Sous Chef

To hear your voice

Dear JJ,

When you first giggled, as an infant - your mom and I smiled. I remember thinking - if I were to die, and want to have the last pleasant though, it would be to replay that giggle in my mind. It makes me smile.

My mom, grandma Simpson, isn't doing well. At 87 she doesn't have much time left. In some of her bad moments she will call "just to hear your voice." I'm her son, her little boy, and yet one of the things she just wants to hear is my voice.

It doesn't change. When I am not around you, and I call, sometimes I just want to hear your voice. And I suspect, if I know I am closing my eyes for the last time on earth, I will think of your voice and I will smile.

Love,

Dad

Running to see me at the airport, "Daddy."

Jumping at Jump City - getting wiggles out and laughing